braavado | IC CONTACT (FOR HAVEN)

[He freezes, with the long pause likely indicating to Korra that she hit it right on the mark.

...

He doesn't answer. He doesn't, because he can't—he doesn't know what to say, or if there's anything he wants to say. Intangible words get caught in his throat, before he does what he always does when he doesn't know if he wants to continue a conversation:

He hangs up. Sorry, Korra.]

[She hears the click before she can call out his name again. Briefly, she wonders if she should call him back, then decides it's probably not a good idea. She doesn't think he'd answer the call, for one. If she's going to talk to him, it'll have to be in person.

Korra makes her way over to Fujimaru's block, then slowlyyyyyy pushes the door open.]

You still here?

[Fujimaru's head snaps up when Korra opens the door, a look of surprise clear on his face before it settles into something akin to annoyance.]

... Why are you here?

Isn't it obvious? I'm checking up on you.

["Duh" her tone pretty much says. Korra closes the door behind her and walks toward him.]

I thought you could use some company.

Did I say I wanted any?

[His tone is snappish, though not really at her.]

Well, no. But you should know by now that I'll check on you anyway.

[She plops down on the closest bed, leaning forward to look at him.]

[He leans back, frowning. Other than that, his face is passive, even though he knows, thanks to Ken, that it tends to be a sign that he's upset. It's his reflexive response to things he doesn't want to deal with.]

I don't need it.

You hung up when I asked if someone else was gone.

[The words are blunt, but spoken gently.]

Doesn't sound like you're okay to me.

It happens all the time, doesn't it? People die or disappear constantly.

[In any world. It's hardly something exclusive to Haven.]

Just because it happens all the time doesn't mean we have to like it...or be used to it.

[She watches Fujimaru silently, and then--]

Who was it?

I'm used to it.

[That's what he tries to tell himself, at least.

... Even if Shirayuki can always seem to tell the differences in his mood when someone disappears, and he did this exact same thing with her when Wally disappeared.

Damn it all.]

... Sakon. Loud, obnoxious, overly-friendly, carried around dice?

[It takes a second to place the name.]

I remember him. Ran into him when we were fighting back the monsters at the prison.

[She feels a brief moment of sadness before looking at Fujimaru again.]

I didn't know you two were friends.

[...]

I met him on his first day here. The idiot kind of latched on and never let go.

[Fujimaru presses a hand against his forehead, as if he has a headache, as he smiles bitterly.]

Geez... he was convinced that I was gonna become some sort of hero and take down the Yao Corporation. Looks like he won't be around to see that happen, if it does.

[What the hell? he wishes he could tell Sakon. After making such a big deal about 'betting on him' and being there for him, Sakon still disappeared like all the rest.]

[Korra smiles, too, though hers is much less bitter than Fujimaru's.]

Even if he isn't here right now, it doesn't mean he didn't believe it, you know.

[She thinks of all the times Fujimaru's abilities have helped her so far. Getting information from the machines, getting further into the Store never would have happened if Fujimaru hadn't been there.]

[Fujimaru stares at Korra for a few moments, before he looks away, smiling mirthlessly again.]

... I was probably just a pity case to him. [...] He didn't like that I wasn't fighting back [because he was the first person in Haven, really, to realize that] and imposed his own expectations on me without caring about my opinion. Talk about selfish, huh?

There was no other reason to choose me to believe in, at least.

[It's terrifying, to know people expect something worthwhile from him.

... Even so, there's something soft in Fujimaru's expression, despite his words. It's true that his life would probably be easier if he were still dead inside, as he'd tried so hard to be for most of his life. It's true that he still can't understand what others apparently see in him, who's (worthless, a pet dog, difficult to get along with, tyrannical) lacking in redeeming qualities.

But he's grateful, all the same. He'd probably be a different person right now if Ken hadn't shown him basic decency, if Shirayuki and Shakudou had treated him like the villain he was, if Wally had let him push him away, if Sakon hadn't given him his faith, or if Korra weren't here.

People never really get a second chance, and yet here he is, receiving the greatest one.

These people believed in him, when he'd already given up on himself, and so he learned to start living, for the first time.]

I think you're being really hard on yourself. Just because you think there's no reason to believe in you, doesn't mean there really isn't.

[She draws her legs up toward her chest so she can rest her chin on her knees. It's not a surprise that Fujimaru seems to think so badly of himself, but it's still uncomfortable to hear, especially now that he's a friend of hers.]

I mean, think about it. You can do a lot of things other people can't. Like talking to the machines around here? Our team wouldn't have gotten past that statue in the Store if it weren't for you. And you were the one who thought of calling Stefan about the fog last time. We wouldn't have known how to contain that fog if you hadn't called him.

[She tilts her head and smiles.]

Maybe you don't see it, or maybe you've changed because of Haven. All I know is, the Fujimaru I got to know here has always been willing to help when I had an idea. I think that matters a lot more than you think.

[It's the same as back then with Sakon, Fujimaru thinks, when Sakon had gotten upset over Fujimaru's lack of reaction to the fact that Esdese had murdered him and desecrated his corpse afterwards. Half-realizing that Sakon was right, and that he had every right to be furious or horrified, and yet still half-conditioned to see it as acceptable—it's the same now.

A part of him acknowledges what Korra's saying. He's done some good in Haven (hadn't Stefan told him that he'd saved everyone with what he did?). Nevertheless, another part of his mind reminds him of everything else that he's ever heard, of all the implications about what it is he can do (that is, not much).

(If there was one thing he'd accomplished, it was killing himself inside to the point where he didn't care about what others said—or so he'd thought. In the end, maybe it was the opposite. He'd cared, and eventually, he accepted all the criticism as fact and so could no longer be hurt by it.)

All his life, he's been reminded of what he is: the abandoned son of a prostitute, someone who'd been stripped of any rights he had as a human long ago, a freak who was so detached from everything that he barely felt anything when the world around him was destroyed, a tyrant who put his own life above everyone else's.

He'll likely never be forgiven for his crimes. He knows this.

... But, ultimately, that's okay. It's not forgiveness he's looking for. He can live with himself while being hated.]

[After staring at the ground for the past while, he looks somewhat at Korra, somewhat at a point past her (he doesn't think he could manage to look at her in the eye right now).]

... You know, I was kind of waiting, for the past couple of months. For you to get exasperated, or complain, or... something.

[He doesn't usually talk about these things. He's not mute the way Shirayuki is, but in some ways, his voice was one of the things taken away from him, when his mother sold him. That said, he's tired. And... if there's something he's come to realize in Haven, it's that he never says what he should to his friends before they disappear. He might regret saying this all later, but for now...

Finally, he manages to look properly at Korra, smiling wryly.]

I know I'm not exactly a likable person. I don't try to be. [Again, he doesn't care about that kind of thing.] Most people working with me get fed up with it, sooner or later. You never did, though. Seriously... that's a little ridiculous.

[She can take that as a compliment or insult. He won't elaborate.]

... You probably would've hated me if we'd met a year ago. For starters, I wouldn't have helped you out with anything. I would've told you that you were wasting your time and that it wouldn't matter in the end.

[...]

That time with the fog... That was the first worthwhile thing I've ever done. [The moment when he finally realized why people tried to play the part of the hero.

He doesn't want anything fancy out of his life. He doesn't care if he's hated forever, if he never knows what it's like to be normal, if he's stuck in the ruins of Tokyo until his death if he ever manages to return home.

If, at the end of everything, he can say that there was more to his existence than a mistake—one after another, starting with his birth itself—then that'll already be more than he could have ever hoped for, as a kid. He'll be content with that.]

Maybe. [Korra doesn't deny it. She, of all people, knows she used to jump to conclusions about people. That she still does sometimes even nowadays. She'd like to think she's come to know better, now that she's fallen for some fake smiles and lies and found out that some brash or cold exteriors hid better interiors. She's learned that first impressions can be really deceiving.]

But you changed and started caring about the people around you. That's what matters.

[Her gaze becomes unfocused as she lets her thoughts drift back to Amon and Tarrlok. Tarrlok had been sorry in the end, and he'd been so sure his brother had been gentle and kind once.]

Besides, your world kind of sucks, no offense. [Any place with a government that treats people the way they do Shirayuki and Fujimaru automatically gets that label in her books.] Sometimes...even good people change for the worse when the people around them are cruel.

You helped a lot of people when you called Stefan that time. That definitely counts for something. [And now she gives a soft huff of amusement.] Besides, you're not as bad as you think you are. Or...maybe I'm just so used to people being mad at me for other things, it's kind of nice that you take things so calmly.

Edited (I can english...) 2015-01-21 22:31 (UTC)

[He's not sure if he was ever really a good person. He's been surrounded by cruelty for as long as he can remember, so he doesn't know who he was before all this. How much of him is his environment, and how much is simply him. For all he knows, being a sorry excuse for a human being is in the blood.]

Maybe that's what matters, maybe it isn't. [His tone is neutral.] Some would argue that you can never really fix your mistakes.

[Amagiya told him as much, at least—that he was beyond redemption. The idea still stings, but irredeemable or not, Fujimaru no longer has any intention of using that as an excuse to remain static. He did that for long enough, already.

He pauses, a little startled, when Korra tells him that he's not so bad. Not for the first time, he wonders if it's self-indulgent to be friends with people who keep telling him this sort of thing. Wally, Sakon, Korra... It almost feels a little arrogant.]

I'm probably worse than you think I am. [It's not meant to be self-deprecating; Korra never saw him as the Hachiouji Ward Chief, never saw how despicable he could stomach being.] Well, the feeling's mutual, though. I can see why people would get mad at you, and you worry too much, but you're not that bad.

[An odd look passes over her face right now, and her mouth opens slightly like she's debating saying something.

I can see why people would get mad at you.

Korra had actually meant the duties that came with being the Avatar--the fact that people would always blame her for something going wrong in the world, whether she tried to fix it or not. Fujimaru, though. He's saying this based completely on what he knows of her personally, not what he's gathered through hearsay or lore. Anyone else might have gotten annoyed at him for essentially saying she's annoying, but Korra feels a strange sense of relief. It's a reminder that people here see Korra and not just the Avatar.

She closes her mouth, smiling slightly as she shakes her head.]

I'll stop worrying when you stop getting injured so much.

[It's the same for the both of them, then. She doesn't see him as the Hachiouji Ward Chief, and he doesn't see her as the Avatar. There's no reputation hanging over their heads here.

That aside, though—]

I don't get injured that much!

You sort of do.

[The amused smile she gives him is fleeting.]

It's not really your fault, though. Yao gave you most of those injuries.

They give just about everyone injuries. Not like it's just me.

Guess so.

[She falls quiet for a second, then punches his shoulder (somewhat) gently with a grin.]

Feeling better now that you got all that off your chest?

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